Largely Fictional 2006-05-20T15:23:03Z fanfiction by hannasus tag:,2006:/4 Movable Type Copyright (c) 2006, Hannasus Tiger by the Tail - Part 1 2006-03-07T16:04:51Z 2005-03-17T00:14:30Z tag:,2005:/4.293 2005-03-17T00:14:30Z A few veterinarians standing around with dart guns and the federal government grinds to a halt. CHARACTERS: Ensemble RATING: PG SPOILERS: None Hannasus http://hannasus.healthyinterest.net hannasus@gmail.com The West Wing "Tiger by the Tail" TEASER FADE IN: EXT. EST. WHITE HOUSE - MORNING CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN - SAME TIME GINGER, BONNIE and assorted AIDES are standing around in the bullpen, completely transfixed by whatever is on the TV monitor. SAM arrives at work for the morning, late and harried. He rushes through the bullpen and into his office. SAM (O.S.) Bonnie, what time's my first appointment? (pause) Bonnie? Sam steps back out into the bullpen in search of Bonnie. SAM (CONT'D) Bonnie! BONNIE (without turning from the TV) What? SAM What's going on? GINGER You haven't been watching the news this morning? SAM I was running late. Wouldn't you think someone with an Ivy League degree could manage to set a digital alarm clock with better than 80% accuracy? GINGER Well-- SAM Don't answer that. Plus, I think there's some kind of vermin living in my kitchen, which is just unbelievably gross. GINGER Vermin? SAM You know, mice, rats, gigantic hungry bugs, possibly. BONNIE You need high heels. SAM Excuse me? BONNIE High heels are really good for stomping on bugs, among other things. SAM Well, I don't actually happen to own any high heeled shoes, you know, being a man and all. BONNIE You should go out and get yourself a pair. SAM I'll keep that in mind. (turning to GINGER) So, what's going on? GINGER A tiger escaped from the National Zoo. they've been tracking it all night and they've finally got it cornered by the Jefferson Memorial. SAM Excellent! Sam looks eagerly up at the television. BONNIE I wonder what kind of tranquilizer you'd need to knock out a crazed tiger before it could maul you to death? GINGER If they use a triple combination of Ketaset, Domitor and Torbugesic he'll probably be recumbent within 30 seconds. SAM I am afraid to even ask how in Gods name you happen to possess that information. GINGER (shrugging) I used to be a veterinary assistant. C.J. hurries into the bullpen, making directly for the television. C.J. (panting) Did they catch the tiger yet? GINGER No, they're about to get him now. C.J. Good. I broke, I dunno, like ten different traffic laws and then ran all the way from my car, hoping I wouldn't miss it. TOBY, seemingly oblivious to the spectacle which has everyone else mesmerized, steps out of his office-- TOBY Sam, where's the draft for the DNC speech? He is greeted by dirty looks and SHUSHES from everyone in the bullpen. TOBY (CONT'D) The hell? C.J. They're about to capture the tiger. TOBY A few veterinarians standing around with dart guns and the federal government grinds to a halt. SAM How often is a man-eating animal loose on the streets? TOBY Well, this is Washington, so I'd say pretty much every day. SAM Har har. TOBY And tigers aren't man-eaters unless they've already had a taste of human flesh. So unless they've got some very unorthodox feeding practices at the National Zoo... C.J. Thank you very much, Jack Hanna, but some of us are still interested in this. TOBY (eyeing C.J. suspiciously) Where's breakfast? C.J. What? TOBY Breakfast. Muffins, scones, doughnuts. I don't see any food with you. C.J. I didn't make anything this morning. I was watching the tiger. TOBY But you always bring something on Fridays. C.J. Well today I didn't. You'll just have to be content with the selection of breakfast items in the mess. TOBY Their scones aren't as good as yours. SAM That's true. I'm a huge fan of your scones. C.J. It's a mix. And while it's gratifying to know that I have fans, you're just gonna need to accept the fact that I didn't bring anything today and move on. TOBY I look forward to your scones all week. Now what am I supposed to do? C.J. Have you considered baking for yourself? It's really not that hard. You follow the instructions on the box and the next the thing you know... Poof! Homemade baked goods! TOBY Yeah, right. SAM (laughing) I like that. Toby cooking. TOBY (glaring at SAM) It's not that funny. SAM It is when you add in the image of you in a little apron with the poofy white hat-- C.J. Hello, peanut gallery? Could you keep it down, please? They're moving in on the tiger now. Everyone looks toward the TV-- NEWSCASTER (FROM TV) The zookeepers have begun edging closer to the animal. It looks like they've just about got him in their sights... They all suddenly GASP in surprise. GINGER I can't believe he got away. SAM Yeah, 'cause zookeepers are famous for their superior hunting skills. TOBY Does this mean recess is over now? C.J. gives Toby a look before stepping out into: INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Where she meets up with DONNA. C.J. Morning, Donna. DONNA Hey, C.J. What'd you bring this morning? C.J. Nothing. DONNA You didn't make anything? C.J. No, I didn't have time this morning. DONNA Oh. C.J. You know, other people could bring breakfast sometimes. DONNA I guess. C.J. Surely I'm not the only one around here capable of baking? DONNA Well... C.J. You can't cook? DONNA Not unless there are microwave instructions on the label. C.J. This is ridiculous. I'm gonna sign you people up for a cooking class. They meet up with JOSH, who is outside his office waiting for Donna-- JOSH There you are. Where are those labor stats I was looking at yesterday? DONNA On my desk. JOSH I looked on your desk. Josh turns and looks C.J. up and down. JOSH (CONT'D) Where are the muffins? C.J. I didn't bring any. JOSH Scones? C.J. No. JOSH But-- C.J. (yelling) I didn't bring anything, okay? Did everybody catch that? Learn to deal, people! C.J. stalks off towards her office. JOSH (to DONNA) What's with her? DONNA (shrugging) Beats me. JOSH Well? DONNA Well what? JOSH The labor stats? DONNA They're right on my desk. JOSH They're not. Donna walks over to her desk to retrieve the notes. DONNA Yes they are. When are you going to just accept the fact that I'm infallible? She lowers herself into her chair and there is a SNAP as the chair collapses, depositing her in a heap on the floor. There is a moment of SILENCE, then everyone in the office around her breaks into LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES END OF TEASER ACT I FADE IN: EXT. EST. WHITE HOUSE - DAY CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR - SAME TIME C.J. hurries down the the hall toward the briefing room with CAROL in tow. C.J. Tell me again who's up for the Institute of Peace? CAROL Darby. C.J. That's a last name? CAROL I don't know. That's all I've got. C.J. What, like Madonna? Surely there must be something else to go with Darby? CAROL If there is, we don't have it. C.J. Man or woman? CAROL Ummm... C.J. I'm just gonna have to go in there with Darby? CAROL I'm waiting for a call back. C.J. I'm sure no one will notice. They step into-- INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY Where a dozen or so REPORTERS, including DANNY, wait restlessly for the briefing to begin. C.J. steps up to the podium. C.J. Good morning, everyone. I apologize for running a bit late. We were all caught up watching the latest adventures of tiger on the loose. REPORTER #1 (KATIE) Have they caught him yet? C.J. Nope. He's still out there, stalking poodles and pigeons throughout the D.C. metro area. REPORTER #2 (ARTHUR) Has the president been following the story on the tiger? C.J. Yes, he has. In fact, the president has nicknamed the tiger Clayton, after our esteemed Majority Leader. LAUGHTER from the press corps... C.J. (CONT'D) Okay, getting down to business, the president will be announcing a number of new appointees today. I'm sure youre all waiting with bated breath to find out who will be serving the U.S. Pacific Salmon Commission-- DANNY C.J.? C.J. The Salmon Commissioners not doing it for you, Danny? DANNY I had a question about the Interior Appropriations. C.J. Okay. DANNY I was wondering what President Bartlet planned to do if the bill failed to make it out of the Senate? C.J. We've been working very closely with both Democratic and Republican leaders in Congress and are proud to have reached an agreement on these appropriations that provides some balance and allows us to move forward with our conservation efforts. I assure you the president is looking forward to receiving this bill and signing it. DANNY But if the plan doesn't pass the Senate? C.J. It would be hard for me to imagine, given the widespread bipartisan support for this bill-- DANNY You don't think youre being a little over-confident? C.J. pauses thoughtfully for a second before answering. C.J. No, I don't. Now, getting back to the presidents appointees... CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Donna emerges from Josh's office in a huff. Josh is right on her heels as they walk through the office-- JOSH Do you want me to swear, Donna? Because I will. DONNA Who else would find something like that funny? JOSH Lots of people, I would imagine. But obviously at least one other person besides me. DONNA Liar, liar, pants on fire. JOSH Oh, are we in the third grade now? DONNA Apparently. JOSH Donna, I promise, if I'd done it, I'd tell you. What's the point of making a fool out of you if I can't gloat? DONNA You're not making this any better. JOSH I don't have to make this better because I had nothing to do with it! DONNA Go to your meeting. Donna walks off, leaving JOSH behind. A passing AIDE claps Josh on the back-- AIDE That was a good one this morning. JOSH But I didn't... But the aide is already gone. Frustrated, Josh steps into-- INT. COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS Where he meets up with Toby-- JOSH Donna's mad at me because she thinks I rigged her chair to fall over. TOBY So? JOSH I just thought you might offer some sympathy or perhaps insight into how to get back into my assistant's good graces. (beat) Right. (calling) Sam! Sam emerges from the office next door as Toby exits. JOSH (CONT'D) Donna's mad at me because she thinks I rigged her chair to fall over. SAM Okay. JOSH So what do I do? SAM Apologize? JOSH But I didn't do it. SAM Really? JOSH Why does everybody think-- SAM Yeah. Listen, I really think we need to proceed with some caution in this meeting. JOSH Its gonna be a piece of cake. Sam and Josh walk out of the bullpen and into-- INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS JOSH Reed agrees with the bill. She wants to support it. We just have to convince her to do what she already wants to do anyway. How hard can it be? SAM I'm just saying, I don't think its a good idea to underestimate Carolyn Reed. Ive heard some things. JOSH Relax, Poindexter. Just follow my lead. Josh slaps Sam on the back playfully as they step into-- INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - CONTINUOUS Where CONGRESSWOMAN CAROLYN REED, 50s, the picture of a Southern gentle-woman, waits for them. JOSH Congresswoman Reed, I'm Josh Lyman. Thank you for coming. REED (shaking Josh's hand) Josh. SAM (offering his hand) Sam Seaborn. They all take their seats. JOSH Can we get you anything? Coffee? Water? REED No, thank you. I'm fine. SAM It's good to finally meet you. I can't believe we haven't had the pleasure before this. REED Why, thank you, Sam. I can't tell you what a privilege it is to be summoned from my basement offices on the Hill to these great, shining halls of power. But I'm sure we're not here just to get acquainted, are we? I assume you're going to try to convince me to vote for your labor bill. JOSH Yes, we are. REED Well, then let's get to it, shall we? JOSH Okay. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY LEO is working at his desk. The TV in his office is tuned to coverage of the tiger hunt, but he's not really watching. MARGARET steps in. MARGARET Leo? LEO Yeah? MARGARET Have they found it yet? LEO No, Margaret, not since you asked me two minutes ago. MARGARET Okay. (pause) You know, fisherman in the Sunderbans wear masks with human faces on the back of their heads to ward off tiger attacks. LEO What? MARGARET Apparently tigers usually attack from behind. LEO Good to know. MARGARET You think I should go out and pick up some masks for us? You know, just in case. LEO You think a tiger's gonna get into the White House? MARGARET I heard it's been spotted around the Southwest Gate. LEO I'm sure the Secret Service will detain him for questioning if he tries to get onto the White House grounds. MARGARET It's just that-- LEO Margaret! MARGARET I'm going, I'm going. Margaret exits. Leo sighs and turns back to his work... A moment later, Margaret enters again-- MARGARET (CONT'D) Leo? LEO Oh for God's sake, Margaret! MARGARET C.J.'s here. LEO Oh. Okay. Margaret exits as C.J. steps in-- LEO (CONT'D) Margaret thinks we need to wear masks on the back of our heads to ward off tiger attacks. C.J. Like those fisherman in India? LEO Yeah. C.J. You think something like that might work with the press corps too? LEO You could always try it at the next briefing. C.J. Maybe not. Um, speaking of sneak attacks, is it possible there's something going on with the Interior appropriations bill? LEO What do you mean? C.J. I understood it was a lock. LEO It is a lock. Why? C.J. Something Danny said at the briefing. I'm just wondering if he knows something we don't. LEO I doubt it. (beat) But I'll look into it anyway. C.J. Thanks. C.J. exits and we STAY on Leo a moment before we: CUT TO: INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY BARTLET is reading a report. He looks up as CHARLIE steps in-- CHARLIE Mr. President? BARTLET Yes, Charlie? CHARLIE The budget meeting that was scheduled for this morning? BARTLET Yeah? CHARLIE It's been postponed. BARTLET And why is that? CHARLIE The director of OMB went into labor last night. BARTLET (confused) She moved to the Labor Department? CHARLIE No, sir. She went into labor, as in, she's having her baby. BARTLET Oh. Well, I guess we can't expect her to show up for the budget meeting this morning, in that case. CHARLIE No, sir. The deputy director will be ready to meet with you by this afternoon. BARTLET All right. Make sure I send some flowers, would you? CHARLIE Mrs. Landingham has already arranged for a bouquet of champagne roses to be delivered from you and Mrs. Bartlet. BARTLET Good. What else? CHARLIE Senator Lockhart has invited you to speak at the University of Nebraska next month. BARTLET Which one? CHARLIE There's only one Senator named Lockhart... BARTLET Which University of Nebraska, Charlie? There are several of those. CHARLIE (checking his notes) Lincoln. BARTLET The Cornhuskers! You know, they make a wonderful sandwich in Nebraska called the runza. CHARLIE Runza? BARTLET It has German-Russian roots stretching back to the 18th century. The recipe has been passed down from one generation to the next. It's the traditional nosh at Huskers games. CHARLIE Is that so? BARTLET Oh, it's wonderful, Charlie. Fresh ground beef, cabbage, and onions, all baked inside homemade bread. CHARLIE I don't think that's on your diet, Mr. President. BARTLET No, I don't imagine it is. Of course, I wouldn't want to offend the residents of Nebraska by failing to sample a traditional delicacy. CHARLIE You'll have to take that up with Mrs. Bartlet. BARTLET Only if she finds out. CHARLIE (pause) Can I ask you something, Mr. President? BARTLET Shoot, Charlie. CHARLIE Well, the first lady is a medical doctor, right? BARTLET Yes. CHARLIE So why isn't she Dr. Bartlet? BARTLET She is Dr. Bartlet. CHARLIE But she's never referred to that way. BARTLET No, not anymore. But she was before I became president. CHARLIE Why isn't she still Dr. Bartlet? BARTLET There are some people who don't like the idea of a first lady who places her career before her duties as a wife and mother, as might be implied by her insisting on the title of Dr. over Mrs. CHARLIE That's kind of sexist, isn't it? BARTLET Yes. Yes it is. Leo enters-- LEO Mr. President? BARTLET Leo, what say we go to Nebraska next month and feast on runzas? At a look from Leo, Charlie exits, closing the door behind him. BARTLET (CONT'D) What? LEO I'm afraid there's a snag with the Interior appropriations. FADE TO BLACK END ACT I ACT II FADE IN: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY Josh and Sam are sitting across from Reed-- JOSH The president is hoping for your support on the labor bill he's sending to Congress. REED That bill could potentially cost my district millions of dollars in lost revenue. SAM Perhaps, but given your voting record thus far it wouldn't be a stretch for you to lend your support on this. REED Something that's got a lot of my constituents worried right now. Especially the ones who own businesses. SAM A safer workplace makes for a happier, more productive workforce. The key to success in tomorrow's economy is people, and we cannot move into the 21st century by restoring the labor policies of the 19th century. This bill may cost business owners some money up front, but in the long run they'll benefit from it. REED I'm afraid they don't see it that way, though, do they? It'd be a risky move for me politically. Frankly, I've been going back and forth on it. JOSH We're aware of that. That's why we wanted to meet with you today. REED (flashing a smile at JOSH) To help me decide? How benevolent of you. All right, lets make a deal. I'm willing to support your bill, but there's something I want in return. SAM What? REED A press conference with the president on 1478. JOSH 1478? SAM The Breastfeeding Promotion and Protection Act. JOSH (incredulous) You're kidding, right? REED Why would I be kidding? JOSH The president's not gonna hold a press conference to talk about breastfeeding. REED I wasn't aware that President Bartlet was opposed to breastfeeding. JOSH Of course he's not opposed to it. But that doesn't mean he wants to stand around talking about it in front of a bunch of reporters. REED Oh, I see, the president is simply too embarrassed to speak candidly about a public health issue. SAM That is absolutely not the case. REED Breastfed babies benefit from decreased risk of asthma, allergies, and ear and respiratory infections. Breastfeeding mothers experience improved maternal health, including reduced postpartum bleeding, not to mention the decreased risk of osteoporosis and premenopausal breast cancer-- SAM The president is aware of the health benefits and is fully supportive of a woman's right to breastfeed. But this is a relatively minor issue-- REED I'm asking for him to spare 30 minutes-- JOSH He's pretty busy dealing with some of the important problems facing the country. SAM I'm sure we could arrange a press conference with the first lady. As a medical doctor perhaps her presence would be more appropriate-- REED The first lady's not good enough, Sam. Congress doesn't care what the first lady supports. Abigail Bartlet wasn't elected to the highest office in this country, her husband was, and that's who I need to get this issue in the spotlight. JOSH Is it the issue you're trying to get in the spotlight, Congresswoman, or is it you? Reed fixes Josh with an icy glare. REED I take it we've dispensed with the amicable portion of this meeting? CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY C.J. is in the middle of another briefing. Danny is scrawling something in his notebook and remains silent throughout. C.J. ... A couple of quick things before we go. In conjunction with the White House Correspondents' Association, we have an announcement to make. There are a number of pieces of clothing, particularly coats, which have been gathering here over the last year. If they're yours, come and get them by Monday afternoon, or they will be donated to an appropriate charity chosen by the Association. Secondly-- REPORTER #3 (MARK) If any of them had money in the pocket it was mine. C.J. Sorry, Mark. I checked all the coats and they're definitely in style rather than out of style, so they couldn't possibly be yours. LAUGHTER from the press corps-- C.J. (CONT'D) Secondly, in case you think comments like that don't reflect my deep and abiding love for the White House press corps, we will inaugurate our first edition of Friday afternoon happy hour here in the briefing room today. Please feel free to come and join us for a cocktail, although you'll have to bring your own cocktail. More LAUGHTER-- REPORTER #1 (KATIE) What time, C.J.? C.J. Five o'clock. It's just an excuse for me and my staff to come down and have a good time at happy hour. We'll see how this one goes. That's it, guys. The REPORTERS rise and begin to shuffle out. C.J. watches Danny, hoping to catch his eye, but he hurries out of the room without even a glance in her direction. Disappointed, she gathers her things and steps out into-- INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Where Toby is walking down the hall. C.J. Toby! Toby stops and waits for her to catch up before they continue down the hall together. C.J. (CONT'D) What's the latest on the tiger? Toby C.J., you can't imagine how little I care about that tiger. C.J. You know, the fisherman of the Sunderbans-- Toby They wear masks on the back of their heads. I've heard. You were right about the Interior bill. C.J. stops in her tracks. C.J. What? Toby Danny's question. He did know something. C.J. What happened? Toby Wiley's planning to kill it in committee. Can you believe that? A Democrat. If Danny hadn't tipped you off we would have been completely blindsided. C.J. How did this happen? Toby We assumed we had his support. Wiley's a major environmentalist and the ranking member of the Energy and Natural Resources Committee, so-- C.J. What are we gonna-- TOBY Leo says he'll handle it. C.J. I've gotta... I'll see you later, Toby. C.J. takes off down the hall, leaving Toby behind. We FOLLOW her into-- INT. C.J.'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY Carol is sitting at her desk. C.J. Carol, can you ask Danny Concanon to come to my office, please? Carol (reaching for the phone) Sure. Then we FOLLOW C.J. into-- INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - DAY C.J. paces restlessly around the office a moment before finally taking a seat. The fishbowl on the desk catches her eye. C.J. shakes a few flakes of fish food into the water and leans down to gaze at the goldfish. C.J. Why would he do that, huh? Why would he tip me off without getting something in return? (pause) Okay, now I'm talking to a fish. C.J. quickly sits up straight as Carol enters-- Carol I'm sorry, C.J., he's not in the press room. Do you want me to call the paper? C.J. No, that's all right. I'll catch him later. CUT TO: INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet and Leo are still talking. bartlet What happened to the deal we made, Leo? Leo It might not go through like we thought. Bartlet How is that possible? LEO Wiley. Bartlet He's going to kill it in committee. Leo Yes. Bartlet Where the hell did this come from? He's an environmentalist, for God's sake! Leo I believe it's retribution, Mr. President. Bartlet What did I ever do to him? Leo You beat him for the Democratic nomination and offered the vice presidency to Hoynes. Bartlet Oh, is that all? LEO It's not enough? Bartlet Only if you're petty and vindictive. Leo Well, I guess he is. Bartlet I wanted Wiley for vice president, Leo. Leo I know you did. Bartlet The man's got a great mind and good heart. Leo Yeah, but we needed Hoynes to get the South. Wiley would have brought us Washington State... and maybe, if we were lucky, Vermont and all three of its electoral votes. Bartlet Hoynes didn't give us the South, though, did he? He couldn't even deliver Texas -- his home state! And now we're stuck with him. Leo Okay, so maybe this once you were right. Bartlet Once? Leo I refuse to concede any more than that. Bartlet I wanna talk to Wiley. Leo Mr. President, I'm not sure-- Bartlet Just get the man in here, Leo. CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY Sam, Josh and Reed are still going at it. JOSH You expect us to believe you're all worked up because a few exhibitionists want to flaunt their breasts in public? This isn't about breastfeeding. This is about getting your name in the papers before the election. REED Well, I see the White House boys club continues to thrive in the Bartlet administration. JOSH Ahh, there it is! SAM Josh-- JOSH I just love knee-jerk feminists. How convenient it must be to claim sexism whenever someone disagrees with you. Just because I think it's a waste of the president's time to address the pet issue of some radical fringe group-- REED It's sexism because women are still being marginalized by this administration despite the fact we comprise 51% of the population. It was my understanding that this president had positioned himself as a champion of women's rights. SAM Women's issues are a very high priority for this administration. We've improved access to women's health care, fought for the Violence Against Women Act, and championed Aimee's Law, just to name a few. REED That's just great, but it's not enough. The right to breastfeed is about much more than protecting a few exhibitionists. You people don't even understand the issue-- SAM I'm sure Josh didn't mean-- REED Yes he did. And you were both thinking the same thing. I'm talking about a librarian in New Jersey who was fired for using her breaks to express milk for her newborn. A mother of three in Georgia who was actually thrown in jail for feeding her baby in front of the courthouse. Millions of women decide not to breastfeed because the support they need isn't there and because there's a stigma attached to it in this country. The lowest rates of breastfeeding are among low-income racial and ethnic populations -- those whose infants are at highest risk of poor health. We're talking about an additional healthcare burden in the billions that could be prevented. Would you care to explain to me, please, why this administration is not concerned about thousands of sick and malnourished children? SAM Well, obviously-- JOSH If I could... That's not exactly-- REED You're both so hung up thinking of women as sexual objects that you're uncomfortable with the whole idea of breastfeeding. The very word makes you wince. I'll bet neither of you have ever once seen a woman breastfeeding a baby. Josh and Sam both look uncomfortable. JOSH Well... SAM Not exactly... JOSH No. REED Don't you think there's something wrong with that? You can turn on the television and see intimate acts of love and unspeakable violence. But you can't see a woman engaged in the beautiful and natural act of feeding a baby. Your quick dismissal of this issue is not only pompous, but ignorant. You may serve the president in this office, but the president serves the people. These people. You don't have to like them and you don't have to agree with them, but you damn well better be working for their welfare. Something it seems you've forgotten around here. Reed rises and gathers her things off the table. REED (CONT'D) Gentlemen, it's been real a pleasure. I hope we can do this again soon. She exits. Josh SLAMS his hand on the table in frustration. SAM I'd just like to state, for the record, that I-- JOSH Stop talking. Now. FADE TO BLACK. END ACT II ]]> AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a complete episode spec script for The West Wing that I started writing towards the end of the first season. The final draft was completed on April 13, 2001 and for the hell of it I entered it in a couple of television screenwriting competitions. I tried to be as non-specific as possible as far as when this story takes place, but since Mrs. Landingham's mentioned you can assume it's sometime in season two. This script has been registered with the WGA. No portion of it may be performed, reproduced or used by any means, or quoted or published in any medium without the prior written consent of the author. Tiger by the Tail - Part 2 2006-03-07T01:55:08Z 2005-03-18T01:33:55Z tag:,2005:/4.294 2005-03-18T01:33:55Z The only time I get called a feminist is when I say something that differentiates me from either a doormat or a prostitute. CHARACTERS: Ensemble RATING: PG SPOILERS: None Hannasus http://hannasus.healthyinterest.net hannasus@gmail.com The West Wing ACT III FADE IN: EXT. EST. WHITE HOUSE - DAY CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - SAME TIME C.J. is at work when Josh wanders in-- JOSH Good catch on the Interior thing. C.J. What are we doing about it? JOSH The president's gonna talk to Wiley. C.J. Are we sure that's the best way-- Josh Leo tried to talk him out of it. But the president's on a mission. C.J. I heard you met with Reed this morning. JOSH Don't ask. C.J. Right. Josh paces restlessly around C.J.'s office for a moment. Obviously there is something else he has come to talk about, but is reluctant to bring up. C.J. (CONT'D) Hey, Pacey McFidget. You mind? JOSH Huh? C.J. Is something bothering you, Josh? JOSH Nah, it's nothing... It's just... You don't think this place is a boys club, do you? C.J. looks momentarily surprised, then bursts out laughing. JOSH (CONT'D) What? C.J. (incredulously) I'm sorry, were you serious? JOSH Yes, I'm serious. C.J. God! Of course it's a boys club. JOSH It is? C.J. Come on, you and Sam and Toby strutting around yelling we da men, with your cigars and your basketball games with the president. And exactly how many women do you see walking around here in positions of authority? JOSH Well there's you. C.J. Yeah, and I'm usually overruled, no one respects my opinions and I'm the first person to get blamed when something goes wrong. JOSH That's not true, C.J. C.J. Sam causes this big scandal by sleeping with a call girl and then practically gets a pat on the back for it. Meanwhile, I'm constantly second-guessed because I'm perceived as too friendly with Danny. JOSH I never thought about it like that. C.J. That's because it's a boys club and you're a boy. That's the way that works. JOSH Everyone values you around here, C.J. C.J. It doesn't always feel like it is all I'm saying. (pause) So, you called Reed a knee-jerk feminist, huh? JOSH It wasn't my finest hour. C.J. You know, the only time I get called a feminist is when I say something that differentiates me from either a doormat or a prostitute. JOSH So I'm a tool. C.J. Pretty much, yeah. JOSH Okay. Well, I've gotta get back to work. C.J. Sure. Josh turns to leave, then stops and looks back at C.J-- JOSH You did good this morning, C.J. C.J. Thanks. Josh exits and we FOLLOW him into-- INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS Donna passes by Josh and holds a note out to him wordlessly. He glances at the note then hurries to catch up to Donna. JOSH What? You're not talking to me? (pause) Donna? DONNA I have nothing to say. JOSH Give me a break, Donna, I didn't do it. Donna keeps going down the hall, leaving Josh behind. He sighs and steps into-- INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY JOSH You wanted to see me? LEO Uh, yeah. What the hell did you do to Carolyn Reed? JOSH Leo... LEO It was a simple task, Josh. I could have sent a howler monkey into that meeting and he would have done a better job than you. JOSH This was not entirely my fault. LEO You equated breastfeeding with exhibitionism? JOSH I may have stepped over the line there. LEO I'm surprised you can even see the line anymore from your vantage point! Did you know that Congresswoman Reed is a close, personal friend of the first lady's? Abbey is not happy about this. Not to mention you blew our chances to get Reed's support on the labor bill. We've got enough problems in Congress without you running around creating new ones. JOSH I'll fix it, Leo. LEO You're damn right you will. You'll fix it and you'll offer your most sincere apologies to the congresswoman. JOSH Yes. LEO And stay out of the first lady's way if you know whats good for you. JOSH Yes. (pause) Leo? LEO What? JOSH It's a good thing C.J. tipped us off on the Wiley thing. LEO Yeah. JOSH We're lucky to have her. LEO I know that. JOSH I'm just saying maybe we should all appreciate her a little more. LEO Don't worry, I'm appreciating C.J. plenty right now. In fact, I'm considering giving her your job. JOSH I'll get going now. LEO Good idea. Josh exits Leo's office and steps into: INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Donna rushes up to Josh and follows him back to his office-- DONNA Josh! JOSH Donna, listen, I need you to call Congresswoman Reed's office and get me in to see her as soon as humanly possible. DONNA Okay, but-- JOSH And if the first lady comes looking for me, I'm not here. DONNA That's what I'm-- JOSH I'm serious, Donna. I really need your help. I've got to fix this mess before Mrs. Bartlet finds me. She is gonna kick my-- DONNA Josh! JOSH (opening his office door) What? Josh freezes in the doorway. DONNA The first lady's in your office. CUT TO: INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY Charlie enters-- CHARLIE Mr. President? BARTLET Carhenge, Charlie! We've got to stop and see Carhenge. CHARLIE I'm sorry? BARTLET When we go to Nebraska. I've always wanted to visit Carhenge. CHARLIE I'm sure I'm going to regret this, but... what's Carhenge? BARTLET I'm glad you asked, Charlie. It's an exact replica of Stonehenge, made entirely of vintage automobiles. CHARLIE Are you serious? BARTLET Of course I'm serious. Wouldn't you love to see that? CHARLIE Is this one of those instances where I should tell you the truth or just tell you what you wanna hear? BARTLET Tell me the truth. As long as it's what I want to hear. CHARLIE Then it sounds great, sir, and I can't wait to see it and hear many fascinating stories about the wonder that is Carhenge. BARTLET Good boy, Charlie. CHARLIE Senator Wiley is here. BARTLET (nodding) Thank you. Charlie exits and returns a moment later with SENATOR WILLIAM WILEY, a man who looks more like a professor than a politician. WILEY Good afternoon, Mr. President. BARTLET (shaking hands) Bill. Thank you for coming. Charlie exits, closing the door behind him. WILEY It's my pleasure, sir. Bartlet gestures and they both sit. Bartlet Bill, I'm hearing some things about the Interior appropriations. WILEY Is that so, Mr. President? BARTLET We worked hard to broker that compromise with Republicans. WILEY I'm not letting it out of committee. BARTLET It provides $686 million for the current fiscal year and authorizes additional spending that could total $12 billion over the next five years. You don't want that money for the environment? WILEY No, Mr. President. I don't. BARTLET Bill, three years ago I had a tremendous respect for you. You stood for something in that election and I thought you had the character to put your ideals above your political ambitions. WILEY Mr. President, this appropriations bill is no victory for the environment. It completely undercuts all the work we've done on the Land Resource Trust. BARTLET This is just a first step. These things don't happen overnight. We've got to take what we can get sometimes. We'll get to the Land Resource Trust next. In the meantime-- WILEY The Land Resource Trust is based on the simple premise that as we deplete non- renewable resources we should reinvest some of the proceeds towards preserving our natural heritage. It's the most historic step in support of conservation since Teddy Roosevelt created the National Park System in 1902. BARTLET Which is why it's such a hard sell right now. WILEY These Interior appropriations provide barely a quarter of the funding of the LRT. The program isn't mandatory and it doesn't guarantee annual appropriations. Not to mention the fact that it lumps several conservation programs together, causing them to compete for funding. BARTLET And these are things that we'll fix when we pass the LRT. WILEY If this bill passes it'll be the death of the Land Resource Trust. These appropriations aren't a start, they're an end. It's a bait and switch designed to undercut the LRT and appease environmentalists long enough to knock the wind out of our sails. The Republicans are betting that with these meager appropriations in place we'll lose the support needed to pass anything stronger. Bartlet sighs. The wind has been taken out of his sails. BARTLET You're right. WILEY Mr. President, the only thing I can't figure out is why you would go along with it. BARTLET Because I don't think we're going to have enough support for the LRT, even without this appropriations bill. WILEY If you don't even try-- BARTLET I need to declare a victory right now, Bill. I'm facing a tough fight for re-election and frankly, I don't have that much to show for the last three years. I have to take what I can get. WILEY You thought I was holding up the bill as some kind of payback, didn't you? BARTLET The thought may have crossed my mind. WILEY It was the right thing to do at the time, sir. BARTLET I'm sorry? WILEY Choosing Hoynes. It was the right thing to do. BARTLET No, it wasn't. I should have asked you. I wanted you. WILEY Hoynes was the right choice. You needed what he could bring to the ticket. Besides, I'm doing more in the Senate than I'd ever be able to as vice president. BARTLET And in five years when Hoynes runs for president? WILEY Then I'll just have to beat him, won't I? BARTLET Yes. You will. And you'll have to do it without my endorsement. WILEY I understand. Mr. President, while I sympathize with your position on this bill, I can't allow a vote on the current appropriations. This issue is too important to be compromised. Sometimes you have to stand up, even if you risk everything. BARTLET If I don't win re-election I won't be able to do anything for the environment. The LRT will never pass with a Republican in the White House. WILEY You won the last election. Tell me, how much have you done? It's hard to govern when you're always running for office, isn't it? BARTLET I won't have to worry about running again in the next term. Things will be different. WILEY We're always running for something, though, Mr. President. Or from something. CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY REPORTERS and White House AIDES are mingling and socializing around the room. The atmosphere is friendly and relaxed. Except for C.J., who is distracted. She scans the room, hoping to see Danny. She steps over to CAROL-- C.J. (whispering) Is Danny here? CAROL I don't think so. C.J. All right. Thanks. Carol shoots a sympathetic look after C.J. as she walks away. Still in search of Danny, C.J. runs into Toby, another person who's not enjoying himself-- Toby I don't see why you insisted I waste my time by coming to this thing. C.J. Because it's a nice gesture. Because if we can do a little something to foster good will between this administration and the press it's worth it. TOBY When you put it that way I'm certain it's a waste of time. C.J. You know, Toby, seldom does a day go by when I don't marvel at your positive outlook on life. Toby wanders off, muttering to himself. TOBY And if one more person tries to talk to me about that tiger... C.J. takes one last glance around the room, then makes her way out and into-- INT. PRESS ROOM - CONTINUOUS Danny is sitting at a desk, hunched over his laptop. C.J. You didn't come to the happy hour. Danny glances up at C.J. briefly, then goes back to his typing. DANNY I had some work to do here. C.J. I haven't seen much of you lately. I'd sort of gotten used to you showing up in my office unannounced. DANNY It's been a busy week, I guess. C.J. Listen, Danny, I wanted to talk to you-- DANNY C.J., I'm kinda in the middle of something. Can we do this another time? C.J. is hurt by this brush off, but tries not to show it. C.J. Sure. I guess that'd be fine. DANNY Okay. C.J. Okay. C.J. exits. Danny's look softens as he watches her leave. FADE TO BLACK. END ACT III ACT IV FADE IN: EXT. EST. THE CAPITOL - EVENING CUT TO: INT. CONGRESSWOMAN REEDS OFFICE - SAME TIME Carolyn Reed is at work in her office on the Hill. A SECRETARY steps in-- SECRETARY Excuse me, Congresswoman? REED Yes, Wendy? SECRETARY Josh Lyman is here. REED You can send him in. The secretary steps out and a moment later Josh enters, looking a bit liked a whipped puppy. REED (CONT'D) Josh. I have to admit I'm surprised to see you here. JOSH Congresswoman, thank you for agreeing to see me. REED Have a seat. Josh sits-- JOSH I'd like to apologize for my behavior this morning. My remarks were unnecessarily rude. You were trying to discuss an important issue and it was wrong of me to belittle it. The president would be happy to join you publicly in support of 1478, whether or not you choose to support the labor bill. REED Let me guess... you received a visit from the first lady? That must have been an interesting meeting. JOSH Yes. It was very... educational. There were visual aids, a video, homework assigned. I would say that I now know as much about breastfeeding as anyone can who's never actually done it. Consider my opinion from this morning completely reversed. REED Dr. Bartlet can be quite convincing. JOSH To put it mildly. But I want you to know that I fully intended to apologize to you before my meeting with the first lady. I sincerely regret my ignorance of this important issue. And... I feel very badly about some of the things that came out of my mouth today. Truly. REED (softening) Just for the record, I didn't sic Abbey on you. She heard about our meeting from someone on her staff. And to be honest, I wasn't entirely fair to you. You're trying to pass important legislation and I took advantage of that to promote my own agenda, so I certainly don't own the moral high ground. JOSH It's hard to get anything done in this town without getting your hands dirty. (pause) You know, I've always considered myself a pretty sensitive guy. I never thought I was part of the problem when it came to sexism. REED I suspect your heart's probably in the right place. JOSH Maybe that's not good enough. REED You know, I would've backed your bill anyway. And I still will. JOSH (smiling) Your support will mean a lot. Thank you, Congresswoman. REED Tell C.J. I'll be calling her office to set up my press conference. JOSH You got it. CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - NIGHT Toby is in his office, bouncing a stickball off the wall as he watches TV. C.J. steps in-- C.J. Whatcha doing, slugger? Toby quickly grabs the remote and shuts the TV off. TOBY What? C.J. What were you watching on the TV just now? TOBY C-SPAN. C.J. Really? 'Cause it looked like Channel 4's coverage of the tiger hunt. TOBY Did you need something? C.J. Toby, if I didn't know better I'd say you're as captivated by that tiger as the rest of us. TOBY Don't be ridiculous. C.J. What's wrong with admitting you're as capable as anyone of being caught up in a frivolous news story? TOBY It's not frivolous. These animals have enchanted men and inspired poets for centuries. And they're gonna be completely extinct in the wild in just a few years. What the hell's wrong with us that we'd destroy such a beautiful animal? C.J. (quietly) I don't know, Toby. TOBY Anyway, what was it you needed again? C.J. Nothing. I was just on my way out and... here. C.J. reaches into her bag, pulls out a muffin and sets it on the desk. C.J. (CONT'D) It's just from the mess, but, you know, since I didn't bring anything this morning... TOBY You didn't have to do that. C.J. I know. Do you really look forward to Fridays just for that? TOBY Yeah, I do. C.J. smiles. C.J. Okay. Have a good weekend. TOBY I'm just... I'm gonna watch this for awhile. You're welcome to hang out if-- C.J. I've got something I need to do, actually. TOBY Sure. C.J. But thanks. TOBY Yeah. C.J. I'll see you Monday. TOBY Okay. C.J. steps out. Toby flips the TV back on and goes back to bouncing the ball. CUT TO: INT. JOSHS BULLPEN - NIGHT Donna catches up with Josh as he heads back to his office-- donna Howd it go with Carolyn Reed? JOSH The Congresswoman and I kissed and made up. DONNA What? JOSH Its a figure of speech. DONNA I knew that. JOSH Okay. DONNA Sam called. He said to tell you that the thing is in his office. JOSH Okay. DONNA He said youd know what the thing is. JOSH Yeah. DONNA What is the thing? JOSH Donna, has it occurred to you that if you were supposed to know what the thing was Sam would have just told you? DONNA No. JOSH Okay. If you were supposed to know what the thing was Sam would have just told you. DONNA Theres no need to be patronizing. JOSH I beg to differ. DONNA You should be nicer to me after what you put me through this morning. JOSH I already told you I had nothing to do with that. DONNA You don't find it odd that after three years of faithful service my chair chose to up and collapse all on its own? JOSH I don't know what to tell you, Donna. Listen, there's a file I need over in the liaison's office. DONNA Fine. JOSH Talk to Ed or Larry. They'll know which one it is. I'll be in Sam's office. Bring it over there. DONNA Whatever. Donna walks off. Josh stares after her for a moment, a subtle smile on his face, then takes off for Sam's office. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT C.J. is sitting on the hood of a parked car, patiently waiting. Danny walks toward the car, on his way home for the night. Startled, he stops short when he sees C.J. Danny C.J.! C.J. Hi, Danny. Danny C.J.? C.J. Listen, I think I know what's been going on-- DANNY C.J., you're sitting on my car. C.J. Yes. DANNY I don't understand. C.J. I wanted to talk to you so I decided to wait. Danny On the hood of my car? C.J. Oh for crying out loud, Danny, if I get off the damn car can we talk for a minute? DANNY Sure. C.J. hops down off the car. C.J. Okay. So, I think I know why you've been avoiding me. DANNY I haven't been avoiding you. C.J. Yes, you have. This isn't easy, so can I just get through this without any interruptions, please? DANNY Sorry. C.J. See, there was a time when I was feeling frustrated and disillusioned by some of the things I'd had to do for the sake of my job. So I decided to give this reporter a tip -- because I liked him and because I'd had to cover up something that I thought shouldn't have been covered up. DANNY You liked him? C.J. Yes, but that's not the point. DANNY Seems like a pretty good point to me. C.J. Danny-- DANNY Okay. C.J. So anyway, I went to this reporter, and I started to give him the tip. But he wouldn't take it. Do you know why? DANNY I don't think this-- C.J. He said that if I did it, afterwards, when I remembered that I was a professional, I wouldn't like him anymore. DANNY So? C.J. You should have taken your own advice, Danny. DANNY C.J.-- C.J. You knew about Wiley and the appropriations bill and you purposely tipped me off at the briefing this morning. And now you regret it and I think you don't like me so much anymore. DANNY Let's just say that I finally realized you were right. C.J. About what? DANNY About us. About the fact that it's not a good idea for a reporter to get involved in a personal relationship with the press secretary. There are too many conflicts of interest. C.J. Oh. Danny and C.J. stare at each other for a moment, unsure of what to say next... C.J. (CONT'D) I don't want to be right. DANNY C.J... C.J. I liked it when you flirted with me. I miss it. I miss you, Danny. DANNY Now you tell me. C.J. Yeah. Now I'm telling you. DANNY Does this mean you'll go out with me? C.J. I can't. DANNY (frustrated) C.J.-- C.J. You know I can't and you know why I can't. Nothing's changed that. DANNY So what exactly do you want? C.J. For things to be the way they were? DANNY You mean like before with me flirting with you and you rejecting me all the time? C.J. Yeah, pretty much. You got a problem with that? DANNY I guess not. C.J. Good. Well, I guess I'll see you Monday. DANNY You bet. C.J. smiles, then walks off to her own car. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN - NIGHT Josh guides Donna down the hall toward her desk. He has his hands over her eyes. DONNA This better be good, Josh. If this is another joke you will suffer a very painful demise. JOSH It's not a joke, it's a surprise. DONNA I don't like surprises. JOSH It's a good surprise. You'll like this one. DONNA Why am I skeptical of that? JOSH Because you don't give me enough credit for being the wonderful guy that I am. Donna snorts with derision as they arrive at her desk. JOSH (CONT'D) Okay, you can look now. Josh removes his hands from Donna's eyes. She looks toward her desk and sees a brand new chair wrapped in a large red bow. DONNA You got me a new chair! JOSH It's a Herman Miller -- the very best ergonomic chair on the market. Specifically designed for improved posture and complete anatomical support to prevent repetitive stress injuries. It's nicer than my chair. It's probably nicer than the president's chair. Donna You did this for me? JOSH I still deny any involvement whatsoever with the collapse of your previous chair. Donna If you didn't have anything to do with it then why did you go buy me a new chair? Josh Because you deserve it. Because you work hard and I don't think I tell you enough how much I appreciate it. Donna Okay, so maybe you can be kind of wonderful... occasionally. Josh Did I mention it's nicer than my chair? Donna leans over and plants a kiss on Josh's cheek. Donna Thank you. Josh I want lots of credit for this. Just so you know, it's a really expensive chair--this totally makes up for every stupid thing I've done in the last three years. Donna There aren't enough chairs in the world. CUT TO: INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet and Leo are in mid-discussion-- BARTLET I said I was gonna make the environment a priority so I should damn well make it a priority instead of caving at the first opportunity. LEO So... what? We just write it off? BARTLET Wiley's right. The appropriations will kill any chance of passing the Land Resource Trust. We were taking the easy road so we could declare a victory. A hollow victory. LEO And if we lose the appropriations and we still can't pass the LRT? BARTLET Then we can say we tried. We went down swinging because it was the right thing to do. LEO It'll hurt us. BARTLET We're hurting anyway. If we're gonna get mud on our faces it might as well be in the pursuit of something worthwhile. (pause) When did we get so cynical, Leo? LEO Because we gave up on the LRT? BARTLET I assumed the worst about Wiley. Even though I knew the man's character, I assumed he was looking for political retribution. What is this place doing to me that I can't give a respected colleague the benefit of the doubt? LEO You know what they say. If you hear hoofbeats... BARTLET You don't assume it's zebras, right? LEO So this time was zebras. Charlie steps in-- CHARLIE Mr. President? BARTLET Yes? CHARLIE You wanted me to let you know when there was news on the escaped tiger... BARTLET Yeah? CHARLIE (pause) It's dead, sir. A state trooper got it with a rifle. Leo and Bartlet are visibly saddened at the news. BARTLET They couldn't tranquilize it? CHARLIE It was too far away. The zookeepers tried to bait it with live chickens, but he wasn't going for it. LEO They say there's only like 3,000 tigers left in the world. BARTLET And now there's one less. LEO They couldn't exactly let it roam around the city indefinitely. (pause) At least he went down swinging. BARTLET I'm trying to remember... There was a passage in Kipling-- LEO Where is the power that made your pride? Brother, it ebbs from my flank and side. Where is the haste that ye hurry by? Brother, I go to my lair -- to die. BARTLET Yes. That's what I was thinking of. CHARLIE Do you need anything, Mr. President? BARTLET No, Charlie. You can go on home. You too, Leo. I'm done for tonight. LEO Mr. President-- BARTLET Go home, Leo. We'll start again on Monday. FADE TO BLACK. END OF SHOW ]]> Part One.]]> Just Another Day at the Office 2006-03-06T23:26:37Z 2005-04-11T21:52:21Z tag:,2005:/4.292 2005-04-11T21:52:21Z Josh's ass was perched mere inches from my hand. If I wanted to, I could reach right out and touch it. Oh, how I wanted to. CHARACTERS: Josh, ensemble RATING: PG-13 SPOILERS: Through "Six Meeting Before Lunch" Hannasus http://hannasus.healthyinterest.net hannasus@gmail.com The West Wing "Hey, Suzanne." Josh Lyman smiled warmly as he passed me in the hall.

In response, all I could do was grin stupidly. Way to be cool.

I ducked into the press secretary's outer office and sagged against the filing cabinet before my knees gave out completely. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I chanted as I banged my head repeatedly against the metal cabinet. Why does the very sight of that man reduce me to a blithering idiot?

A furtive glance to my right revealed that Carol was looking at me curiously. I stopped the muttering and head banging before she decided to call the guys in white coats. I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m in serious need of help. Then again, she’s right.

"Just remembered I forgot to do something for Toby," I offered weakly.

Carol gave me a smile of humoring the crazy but at least she was nice enough not to say anything. I dropped the file I'd been clutching on top of her in box, then fled the office as fast as I could and still retain a shred of dignity.

What did I do to deserve this curse? I love my job, but I am quite sure that working in the same building as Josh Lyman is going to be my undoing. The man is perfect: charming, attractive, smart, witty. And--oh God--when he smiles at you, it's like you're the most important person he's ever met. His eyes focus on you and he flashes those amazing dimples and the rest of the world just melts away. But then he walks off and shines that same smile on Fred the janitor and you realize it’s just a gimmick. You’re not really special to Josh Lyman; he just has this gift for instinctively making everyone feel like they are. It's part of the reason he's so good at his job.

It’s been torture, really. And since he works just down the hall from me, I get the pleasure of taking this emotional roller coaster ride several times a day. How can you be expected to spend your whole day dealing with this kind of pressure and still hang on to your sanity? You can't.

The man could at least have the decency to be aloof, or rude, or unfriendly. If he never gave me a second look, never stopped to chat, never made a point of always saying hi to me, it would really make my life much easier. Damn him and his evil perfectness.

I was so wrapped up in my unhealthy obsession with the deputy chief of staff that I never even saw Larry coming. The next thing I knew we were crashing into each other at top speed.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. God, I'm sorry." Larry was a sweetie. Always pleasant, always friendly, always helpful. You couldn't help but like him. Larry was also desperately in love with Ginger and she didn't even have a clue. There was a lot of that going around.

"No, it's my fault," he said. "I shouldn't have come around that corner so fast."

"I should have been paying more attention and gotten out of your way."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You look kind of dazed."

I shrugged. "That's baseline for me lately."

"Anything wrong?"

"No, I'm fine. I should get back before Toby starts bellowing."

"Okay, I'll see you."

I hurried back to the safety of my desk, sank down into my chair and buried my face in my hands.

Bonnie glanced over. "What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing more than usual."

Ginger gave me a pitying look. "Salt and I were just about to go down to the mess." They'd given themselves the nicknames Salt 'n' Pepa--Ginger was Pepa and Bonnie was Salt. Very cute. "Wanna come?"

I sighed miserably. "Can't. I really need to finish this stuff for the East Asia meetings."

"Want us to bring you something?"

"Turkey sandwich?"

"You got it."

Once they were gone I was able to bury myself in work and forget a certain someone for a while. I really do love my job. I work in the White House Communications Office and aside from the obvious coolness of the White House and all, I love what I do. And most of the people around here are great.

Toby can be a challenging boss, but once you get used to him you realize he's all bark and no bite. Sam's constant cheerfulness pretty much counteracts Toby's grumpiness anyway. And I get to tell my mom that I know the president. He doesn't actually remember my name, of course, but then President Bartlet doesn't remember most people's names. But he's talked to me several times and always remembers that I'm from Texas.

Anyway, I was concentrating so hard on my notes for Sam's meeting that I completely failed to notice that Josh had wandered into the bullpen until he was right next to me.

"Is Toby still at lunch?" he asked. He was leaning against my desk. Practically sitting on it, actually.

I swallowed hard. "Yeah, but he should be back soon."

I tried to look like I was still concentrating on my work. At least I was sitting down so I didn't have to worry about my knees betraying me this time.

Josh's ass was perched mere inches from my hand. If I wanted to, I could reach right out and touch it.

Oh, how I wanted to.

"Sam showed me your outlines for the Medicare summit," he said. "Nice work."

I felt my face redden at the compliment and kept my eyes glued to my desk so Josh wouldn't notice. "Thanks," I said lamely.

"Don't tell Sam I said this," he said, leaning in closer, "but your version was cleaner than his."

Oh, god, I may actually die.

Fortunately, I was saved from that undignified fate by Mandy Hampton, who chose that moment to breeze into the bullpen. "Where's Toby?" she demanded.

"Lunch," I said. Mandy was a real nightmare in purple today. What was she thinking with that suit? She looked like an eggplant.

"When's he going to be back?"

"Probably not for a couple of hours," I replied. I saw Josh raise his eyebrows slightly, but he didn't say anything.

"How the hell long does it take him to eat lunch?"

She was in her usual fine form today. I smiled as pleasantly as I could. "He had some meetings lined up."

"Have him call me as soon as he gets back," Mandy said. "Can you do that?"

Arrogant bitch. "I'll give him the message," I managed levelly.

"Hi, Mandy," Josh piped up cheerily.

She glared at him. "I'll deal with you later." Then she turned on her heel and marched out of the room.

"Yeah, I'll be looking forward to that," Josh said as he watched her go. He turned back to me. "Why'd you have a different answer for Mandy than you did for me?"

"Toby left special instructions for her."

"Ahhh." He cocked his head in the direction Mandy had gone. "You don't like her very much."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Come on, it's okay. You can admit it."

I just smiled and shook my head. He was totally right, of course--I couldn't stand Mandy--but I didn’t think it was wise to be fessing up to something like that with senior staff. Not to mention a member of the senior staff who used to date her.

My distaste for Mandy exists on several levels. First all, she's Josh's ex and yes, I'll admit it, I'm a little jealous of their history together. I can't imagine how she could have let that man get away. She also treats him like crap, which gets my hackles up, and probably has something to do with the reason they're not together anymore. Then again, she sort of treats everyone like crap, which leads me to reason number three: the woman is just a bitch. She always manages to get under my skin. Kind of like a chigger.

Josh laughed, but before he could say anything further on the subject, Toby came back from lunch.

"You just missed Mandy," I said.

"Good." He focused on Josh. "You're on my list today. Quit flirting with my staff."

Josh gave me a sheepish look before following Toby into his office and shutting the door behind them.

It's a good thing, too, because they didn't see me trying very hard not to hyperventilate.

Flirting?

Had Josh really been flirting with me? No, don't get excited. This is Josh Lyman we're talking about, professional flirter extraordinaire. It's just a reflex with him. Doesn't mean a thing.

Besides, everyone knows Josh is secretly in love with Donna, who's also secretly in love with him, only neither of them have a clue. Remember how I said there's a lot of that going around? Don't even get me started on Toby and C.J. and the drama there.

No matter how many times Josh smiles at me or how much it sends my heart into palpitations, it doesn't mean a thing. It's just another day at the office and I'm going to do what I always do--bury myself in my work until the giddiness wears off. Office crushes are murder, people. No wonder we all work such long hours around here.

THE END
]]> AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is a relic from the good old days at Testytoad's MB. I posted a version of it there, way back when, which was subsequently lost to a board crash and later a hard drive crash. I found an incomplete draft of it on my old computer recently, finished it off, and did a bit of polishing so it'd be ready for the light of day again. It's just a bit of fluff I wrote from the perspective of a particular person who walked quickly through the halls in the background of a certain episode. Post-ep for "Six Meetings Before Lunch." And if ever a Mary Sue there was...

]]> You Never Promised Me a Vegetable Garden 2006-03-07T03:14:23Z 2005-04-15T02:10:29Z tag:,2005:/4.295 2005-04-15T02:10:29Z If Christoper were going to marry an Angel, it would be Kelly. He would never marry a Sabrina. CHARACTERS: Ensemble RATING: PG SPOILERS: None Hannasus http://hannasus.healthyinterest.net hannasus@gmail.com Gilmore Girls "You Never Promised Me a Vegetable Garden" TEASER FADE IN: INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LORELAI'S BEDROOM - MORNING (FRIDAY) Lorelai is asleep in bed, completely hidden under the covers. RORY (O.S.) (calling) Mom? LORELAI (still under the covers) What? RORY (O.S.) Are you up? LORELAI You have reached the Lorelai Gilmore Automated Response System. In the event of an actual emergency-- RORY (O.S.) It's too early to be funny. Lorelai throws back the covers. LORELAI Then bring me some coffee. RORY (O.S.) Give me my Billy Bragg CD back. LORELAI Give me my Dandy Warhols CD back. RORY (O.S.) Give me my charm bracelet. LORELAI Give me my feather boa. RORY (O.S.) Give me my rainbow knee socks. LORELAI Um, give me my... you know what? We could do this all day and it still wouldn't get me any coffee. Rory appears in the doorway, already dressed for school and holding out a cup of coffee for her mom. RORY Yeah, but it's fun. Lorelai sits up and takes the coffee. LORELAI You are the nicest kid ever, bringing me coffee. RORY I still want Billy Bragg back. LORELAI In your dreams. RORY You're chipper this morning. LORELAI Yes, I am. And do you know why? RORY Because Friday night dinner with Grandma and Grandpa was canceled? LORELAI That is correct. RORY But we're still going over there for lunch tomorrow. LORELAI Yes, but lunch is not dinner. And Saturday afternoon is not Friday night. RORY Has that actually been proven, or you just proposing a hypothesis? LORELAI I'm saying, we have Friday night off. Total freedom to do whatever we want tonight. RORY Really? LORELAI Okay, I can do whatever I want. You can do something that I deem to be an appropriate activity for a sixteen- year-old girl. RORY That's not as much fun for me. LORELAI No, indeed, it's not. RORY So what are you going to do? LORELAI I'm going to sing the body electric, trip the light fandango and paint the town red... or at least a very bold shade of pink. RORY Okay, but what are you really going to do? LORELAI I haven't decided yet. (beat) You know, if you really loved me you'd bring me a Pop Tart. The telephone RINGS. Lorelai looks appalled. LORELAI (CONT'D) It's seven a.m.! RORY I'll get it! Rory dashes into another room to grab the phone. LORELAI Who calls at seven a.m.? RORY (O.S.) Dad! LORELAI Figures. (yelling) Somebody better be dead, Christopher! (to herself) So I guess I'm on my own on that Pop Tart thing, huh? Lorelai grudgingly gets out of bed, pulls on a robe, and staggers out of the room. INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS - MORNING She sets about making herself a Pop Tart. Muttered snatches of Rory's conversation can be heard from the next room. After a few more moments, Rory rushes into the kitchen, obviously very excited, but trying futilely to contain it. LORELAI What? Tell me before your head pops off. RORY That was Dad. LORELAI Damn! And I thought it was Russell Crowe. RORY