April 14, 2005
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the first half of a spec script that I started writing over the summer between seasons one and two. I hope to go back and finish it one day, but in the meantime, here's the first two acts.
You Never Promised Me a Vegetable Garden
"You Never Promised Me a Vegetable Garden"
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LORELAI'S BEDROOM - MORNING (FRIDAY)
Lorelai is asleep in bed, completely hidden under the covers.
RORY (O.S.)
(calling)
Mom?
LORELAI
(still under the covers)
What?
RORY (O.S.)
Are you up?
LORELAI
You have reached the Lorelai Gilmore
Automated Response System. In the
event of an actual emergency--
RORY (O.S.)
It's too early to be funny.
Lorelai throws back the covers.
LORELAI
Then bring me some coffee.
RORY (O.S.)
Give me my Billy Bragg CD back.
LORELAI
Give me my Dandy Warhols CD back.
RORY (O.S.)
Give me my charm bracelet.
LORELAI
Give me my feather boa.
RORY (O.S.)
Give me my rainbow knee socks.
LORELAI
Um, give me my... you know what? We
could do this all day and it still
wouldn't get me any coffee.
Rory appears in the doorway, already dressed for school and
holding out a cup of coffee for her mom.
RORY
Yeah, but it's fun.
Lorelai sits up and takes the coffee.
LORELAI
You are the nicest kid ever, bringing
me coffee.
RORY
I still want Billy Bragg back.
LORELAI
In your dreams.
RORY
You're chipper this morning.
LORELAI
Yes, I am. And do you know why?
RORY
Because Friday night dinner with
Grandma and Grandpa was canceled?
LORELAI
That is correct.
RORY
But we're still going over there for
lunch tomorrow.
LORELAI
Yes, but lunch is not dinner. And
Saturday afternoon is not Friday
night.
RORY
Has that actually been proven, or
you just proposing a hypothesis?
LORELAI
I'm saying, we have Friday night
off. Total freedom to do whatever
we want tonight.
RORY
Really?
LORELAI
Okay, I can do whatever I want. You
can do something that I deem to be
an appropriate activity for a sixteen-
year-old girl.
RORY
That's not as much fun for me.
LORELAI
No, indeed, it's not.
RORY
So what are you going to do?
LORELAI
I'm going to sing the body electric,
trip the light fandango and paint
the town red... or at least a very
bold shade of pink.
RORY
Okay, but what are you really going
to do?
LORELAI
I haven't decided yet.
(beat)
You know, if you really loved me
you'd bring me a Pop Tart.
The telephone RINGS. Lorelai looks appalled.
LORELAI (CONT'D)
It's seven a.m.!
RORY
I'll get it!
Rory dashes into another room to grab the phone.
LORELAI
Who calls at seven a.m.?
RORY (O.S.)
Dad!
LORELAI
Figures.
(yelling)
Somebody better be dead, Christopher!
(to herself)
So I guess I'm on my own on that Pop
Tart thing, huh?
Lorelai grudgingly gets out of bed, pulls on a robe, and
staggers out of the room.
INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS - MORNING
She sets about making herself a Pop Tart. Muttered snatches
of Rory's conversation can be heard from the next room.
After a few more moments, Rory rushes into the kitchen,
obviously very excited, but trying futilely to contain it.
LORELAI
What? Tell me before your head pops
off.
RORY
That was Dad.
LORELAI
Damn! And I thought it was Russell
Crowe.
RORY
He had some news. Pretty big news.
LORELAI
Wait, lemme guess. John Hughes is
making a sequel to Pretty in Pink?
RORY
I'm not sure how you're gonna take
this. I mean, there's a way to look
at it that's really good. But there's
also a way to look at that's kinda
bad, and I don't know which way you're
gonna go--
LORELAI
Oh my god, do I have to Heimlich you
or are you gonna spit it out?
RORY
Dad's getting married!
Lorelai takes a beat for this to register.
LORELAI
(stunned)
Wow.
RORY
I know! Isn't it great? I mean, I
think it's great.
LORELAI
Yeah. Great. That's exactly the
word I'd choose.
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. INDEPENDENCE INN LOBBY - DAY (FRIDAY)
Michel is working behind the front desk. Lorelai bustles
in, late and cranky, and takes off her coat.
MICHEL
How nice of you to join us today.
LORELAI
I spent 20 minutes looking for the
shoes I wanted to wear--which I never
found, by the way--I dropped my
toothbrush in the toilet, and then,
I go out to my car and there's a
dead squirrel on the hood. A dead
squirrel! Just lying there all glassy-
eyed, like some kind of warning from
the squirrel Mafia. And then, after
I finally get it all cleaned off my
car--and can I just say, yuck--I
pull out onto the road and...
She notices that Michel is not listening to her.
LORELAI (CONT'D)
...this tiny car full of clowns
crashes into a tree, spilling red
noses and rainbow wigs all over the
road. It was carnage, I tell you,
carnage.
She glares at Michel expectantly.
MICHEL
(finally noticing
Lorelai)
Oh my god. Were you talking to me?
LORELAI
Who else would I be talking too?
Mr. Ballpoint pen and Mrs. Stapler?
MICHEL
With you, I can never be sure.
LORELAI
Is your accent thicker than usual?
Because you seem much more annoyingly
French today.
MICHEL
My accent is exactly the same.
LORELAI
I need coffee.
MICHEL
What a surprise.
Lorelai stalks off to the kitchen.
INT. INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Sookie is decorating cookies. Lorelai goes over to the coffee
maker, picks up the empty pot and holds it upside down, then
lets out a shrill CRY of agony.
SOOKIE
I'll make more. Relax.
LORELAI
I need coffee now. Not ten minutes
from now, but now!
SOOKIE
What's with the woman-on-a-ledge
routine?
LORELAI
I'm having one of those days. You
know the kind where everything goes
wrong? No matter what you do, nothing
works the way it's supposed to. And
also, Christopher's engaged.
SOOKIE
(surprised)
To do what?
LORELAI
What do you think?
Sookie hands Lorelai a cookie from a tray on the counter.
SOOKIE
Here.
LORELAI
A cookie is not going to make this
day better.
SOOKIE
Cookies make everything better. Of
course, these are actually madeleines,
which are technically tea cakes, not
cookies, but really--
LORELAI
Hello? Standing here, having a
crisis.
SOOKIE
Sorry. So, Chris is getting married?
LORELAI
He called Rory this morning from New
York. That's where Sabrina lives,
apparently.
SOOKIE
Sabrina?
LORELAI
His fiancée. Like the witch.
SOOKIE
I was thinking of the Charlie's Angel.
LORELAI
Okay, if Christopher were going to
marry an Angel, it would be Kelly.
He would never marry a Sabrina.
SOOKIE
Hey, you ever play Charlie's Angels
when you were a kid?
LORELAI
All the time.
SOOKIE
I'll bet you were always Kelly,
weren't you?
LORELAI
Yes. What's your point?
SOOKIE
Nothing.
LORELAI
No, you were trying to make a point.
SOOKIE
I'm just decorating madeleines.
LORELAI
I'm going someplace they serve coffee
instead of pop culture psych lessons.
SOOKIE
Good idea. Upping your caffeine
intake ought to be just the ticket.
Lorelai stalks out.
INT. CHILTON ACADEMY - CLASSROOM - DAY (FRIDAY)
Rory, Paris, Madeline, Louise and other students wait for
history class to begin. Louise is flipping through a fashion
magazine.
LOUISE
Oh my god! Look at these shoes. I
have to have them.
Madeline leans over to look.
MADELINE
Oh please. That look is so over.
LOUISE
When did that happen?
MADELINE
Tuesday. Where were you?
LOUISE
At the library with Paris. What
else did I miss?
MADELINE
Supposedly orange is the new pink,
but I don't believe it.
RORY
What was the old pink?
MADELINE
Pink, of course. Duh.
RORY
How does that work, exactly? Isn't
orange still orange and pink still
pink?
Madeline and Louise roll their eyes.
PARIS
Why do you bother trying to understand
them? It's not worth the effort.
A new student, JASON, walks in and looks around the room
uneasily. He walks over to the only empty seat left -- at
the front of the class -- and sits down, avoiding eye contact
with the other kids.
Rory leans over to Paris.
RORY
(whispering)
Who's that?
PARIS
Jason Grant. Transfered from
Unionville High. Extracurriculars
include Latin Club, Physics Club,
Model U.N., Academic Decathalon and
choir.
RORY
Okay.
MADELINE
I think he's kinda cute.
LOUISE
Hello? Choir? That negates any
potential cuteness.
PARIS
He's in for a rude awakening if he
thinks he's gonna breeze into a spot
on our A.D. team.
RORY
Are you ever not competitive?
Paris give Rory a dirty look, and is about to reply when the
TEACHER walks in. The students quickly open their notebooks
and direct their attention to the front.
TEACHER
Yesterday I believe we left off with
McKinley's War Message to Congress
and the Teller Amendment, which
addressed the future of Cuba...
INT. LUKE'S - DAY
Lorelai is sitting at the counter staring down into her cup
of coffee. Luke comes over.
LUKE
You're awfully subdued.
LORELAI
What?
LUKE
You're usually talking my ear off by
now.
LORELAI
It's been a long day.
LUKE
It's 9:30 in the morning.
LORELAI
Ah man!
Lorelai bangs her head on the counter a few times.
LUKE
What's with you?
LORELAI
Nothing.
LUKE
Doesn't look like nothing.
LORELAI
It's really... it's fine. It'll get
better.
LUKE
You want some more coffee?
Lorelai nods and Luke tops off her cup.
LORELAI
You're being suspiciously helpful.
LUKE
I'm trying to get rid of you before
the lunch rush.
LORELAI
If you were trying to get rid of me
you'd offer me carrot juice.
LUKE
Is it that bad?
LORELAI
Have you ever tasted carrot juice?
LUKE
I was referring to whatever's
bothering you.
LORELAI
No. It's not bad at all. I'm just
in a very Markie Post place today.
LUKE
You want some carrot juice?
LORELAI
Funny man.
Luke puts the coffee pot away.
LORELAI (CONT'D)
You know anything about gardening?
LUKE
Why?
LORELAI
I'm considering planting a kitchen
garden.
LUKE
Why?
LORELAI
So I can grow vegetables and herbs
and other leafy greens.
LUKE
Again--why?
LORELAI
Because it sounds nice.
LUKE
You don't eat vegetables. You don't
cook anything. You wouldn't know
what to do with an herb if you had
one.
LORELAI
That's not entirely true.
LUKE
Name an herb.
LORELAI
What?
LUKE
Name one. Any herb.
LORELAI
I can name an herb.
LUKE
Then do it.
LORELAI
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.
LUKE
Name one that's not in a Simon &
Garfunkle song.
LORELAI
Ummm. Radish.
LUKE
That's a vegetable.
LORELAI
Okay, how about... well...
LUKE
Uh huh.
LORELAI
Okay. But if I had a garden, then
I'd know.
Luke looks skeptical.
INT. CHILTON ACADEMY - HALLWAY - DAY (FRIDAY)
Rory is getting some books out of her locker. A little ways
down the hall, she spots Jason, looking as though he's lost.
She closes her locker and hurries to catch up with him.
RORY
Need some help?
JASON
No.
RORY
Okay. It must have been all the
wandering around, staring at room
numbers that made me think you might
be lost.
(pause)
If you just told me what you're
looking for, I could point you in
the right direction.
JASON
(grudgingly)
The computer lab.
RORY
Ahhh. That's a tricky one, it's
kind of hidden. Down that way, take
a right, and it's the last door on
your left. Before you get to the
teacher's lounge.
JASON
Thanks.
RORY
I'm Rory, by the way.
JASON
Uh huh.
RORY
You're Jason, right?
JASON
How'd you know that?
RORY
Word gets around when there's a new
kid.
JASON
Great, now you can tell all your
stuck-up little friends that the new
kid has to use the computer lab.
RORY
Why would I tell anyone that? And
they're not all stuck up. Well,
okay, they are. But I'm not.
JASON
Bully for you.
He turns and walks away.
RORY
(yelling after him)
You're welcome.
(to herself)
Jerk.
INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE - DAY (FRIDAY)
Lorelai is sitting on the couch reading a book. Rory wanders
in.
RORY
Whatcha reading?
LORELAI
It's a book I got from the library.
RORY
About?
LORELAI
Gardening.
RORY
Why?
LORELAI
Because I want to learn about
gardening.
RORY
Why?
LORELAI
Why do I feel like I've had this
conversation? I'm reading about
gardening because I'm considering
planting a garden and in order to do
that I need to learn how. Is there
anything wrong with that?
RORY
Nope.
LORELAI
Good. How was school today?
RORY
Fine. There's a new kid in my AP
history class.
LORELAI
Oh yeah? What's he like?
RORY
Kind of a jerk.
LORELAI
You should be nice to him. Remember
how hard it was for you at first.
RORY
I was nice, as a matter of fact, and
I got snapped at for my trouble.
LORELAI
Well, in that case I think you should
shun him.
RORY
You think I should shun him?
LORELAI
That's not a word that gets used
enough nowadays. Shun. It's a good
word, don't you think?
RORY
Mom, I know you're upset about Dad.
LORELAI
I'm not upset about your dad.
RORY
It's okay if you are.
LORELAI
I'm not.
RORY
Okay. So, what are you doing with
your big Friday night of freedom?
LORELAI
I'm going to read my library book
and watch The Crocodile Hunter.
RORY
That is possibly the lamest thing
I've ever heard.
LORELAI
Hey! The Croc Hunter is my new
boyfriend. It all started when he
cried over this little snake that
had been run over on a road in the
middle of the Outback. Any man who
gets that emotional over a reptile
is definitely a keeper.
RORY
And he's got that whole accent thing
working for him, too.
LORELAI
Exactly!
RORY
I'm pretty sure he's married.
LORELAI
Nooo!
RORY
You know that woman who's always
with him on the show? That's his
wife.
LORELAI
Maybe she'll get bitten by a Komodo
dragon.
RORY
You're going to hell.
LORELAI
One more stamp on my frequent heathen
card and I get a free ice water on
arrival.
RORY
What happened to painting the town
pink? Which, by the way, is supposed
to be orange now.
LORELAI
Also the Manhattan is the new
Cosmopolitan and Wednesday is the
new Friday.
RORY
Mom--
LORELAI
If you ask me, though, "Pretty in
Orange" just doesn't have the same
ring to it.
RORY
Why aren't you going out?
LORELAI
I just don't feel like it.
RORY
Mom, you’re thirty-three.
LORELAI
Thanks for the memo. Now point out
my big ears.
RORY
I mean you’re young. You’ve still
got plenty of time to get married.
LORELAI
Why would I want to get married?
And spend the rest of my life wiping
strange little hairs out of the
bathroom sink? No thank you.
RORY
You'd start cleaning the bathroom
sink if you got married?
LORELAI
I'd have to, with all those little
hairs everywhere.
RORY
You know what you need?
LORELAI
More antioxidants in my diet.
RORY
You need to cut loose.
LORELAI
Cut loose?
RORY
That’s right. You’ve gotta kick off
your Sunday shoes.
LORELAI
I don’t have any Sunday shoes.
RORY
Then let’s go out and buy you some
so you can kick them off.
LORELAI
Sweetie, not that I don’t appreciate
the sentiment -- and believe me,
there’s no better way to appeal to
my good sense than quoting Kenny
Loggins -- but I just want to spend
a quiet evening at home. Okay?
RORY
There’s nothing I can do?
LORELAI
You can go out tonight and do
something fun with Lane. I'm
perfectly happy reading my book.
RORY
About gardening.
LORELAI
Drop it.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. GILMORE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY (SATURDAY)
Richard, Emily, Rory and Lorelai are gathered, drinks in
hand, for their Saturday afternoon lunch.
EMILY
I thought we'd have our lunch on the
patio, it's such a nice day today.
RORY
I can't remember the last time I was
here in the daylight.
EMILY
Isn't it the most fantastic news
about Christopher?
LORELAI
How do you know about that?
EMILY
Because he called to tell us, of
course.
RICHARD
We're so happy Christopher finally
seems to have settled down. A new
job, a new wife, it's all falling
into place for him.
LORELAI
We'll see.
EMILY
Sabrina sounds wonderful.
RORY
Dad sounded so happy on the phone
yesterday, I can't wait to meet her.
EMILY
I understand she's a champion
equestrian.
RORY
I know, it's so cool! And Dad says
if want, when I come to visit she'll
give me lessons on one of her horses.
EMILY
Won't that be lovely?
LORELAI
She has more than one horse?
RORY
I guess maybe you need more than one
for competitions and stuff.
RICHARD
If you're going to take an interest
in equestrianism, Rory, there's
something in my study that you should
see.
RORY
Okay.
Richard stands and Rory follows suit.
RICHARD
Excuse us for a moment.
They exit in the direction of Richard's study. Emily fixes
an appraising eye on Lorelai.
EMILY
You're unusually quiet today, Lorelai.
Is everything all right?
LORELAI
Of course. Why wouldn't everything
be all right?
EMILY
You're not upset about Christopher
getting married?
LORELAI
No. Definitely not. Why would I be
upset about that?
EMILY
So it's safe to assume you don't
want to talk about it.
LORELAI
There's nothing to talk about.
EMILY
Fine.
LORELAI
Fine.
EMILY
You know, despite everything I always
thought you and Christopher would
end up together, eventually.
LORELAI
I didn't. It's not like I didn't
have my chance, if that's what I'd
wanted.
EMILY
That's certainly true. You were the
one who refuse to get married.
LORELAI
That's right. I was.
EMILY
Which reminds me, there's this lovely
young man who just joined the club--
LORELAI
No.
EMILY
You don't even know--
LORELAI
Oh, I know.
EMILY
I just thought you two might make a
nice couple.
LORELAI
And the last time you tried to set
me up worked out so well, you've
obviously got an uncanny sense about
these things.
EMILY
What is the harm in meeting new
people? Just one drink, Lorelai.
LORELAI
Seriously? I'd rather eat an entire
roll of Reynolds Wrap.
EMILY
At least let me give him your number.
You can talk to him on the phone and
if you don't like him you don't even
have to meet in person.
LORELAI
Over my dead, comatose or heavily
restrained body. What is with the
campaign to make me a we all of a
sudden?
EMILY
I just think it would be nice if
Rory had a home with two parents.
LORELAI
We're doing just fine.
EMILY
Well, of course you are, but now
Christopher's going to be married.
LORELAI
So?
EMILY
Aren't you worried that Rory will
realize what she's been missing all
these years?
LORELAI
She hasn't been missing anything.
EMILY
Christopher and Sabrina are going to
be able to provide the kind of normal,
stable family that Rory's never had.
LORELAI
(getting angry)
Mom, stop.
EMILY
What if she goes to visit and decides
she likes it better with them?
LORELAI
I mean it. Stop talking. It's not
going to happen. I can't believe
you'd even--
Rory and Richard come back into the room.
RORY
Mom, did you know that my great-
grandmother was ranked at the National
Horse Show in the dressage
competition?
LORELAI
Yes, I did.
(to Emily)
Is lunch ready yet? I'm suddenly
craving mass quantities of fruit
salad.
INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE - RORY'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Rory is asleep in bed. She is awakened by the sound of a
motor outside her bedroom window. Sleepily, she sits up and
looks around. She gets up, wanders over to the window and
looks outside. Then, pulling on a robe, she stumbles out of
the room.
EXT. LORELAI'S HOUSE - DAY (SUNDAY)
Rory steps out of the house and walks around the side until
she finds her mom, wearing goggles and struggling to control
a motorized sod cutter.
RORY
(yelling)
Mom!
Lorelai doesn't hear her. Rory walks around her until she's
in Lorelai's line of sight and waves her arms.
RORY (CONT'D)
(still yelling)
Mom!
Lorelai notices her, takes off the goggles and shuts off the
engine.
LORELAI
Oh, sweetie, did I wake you?
RORY
Of course you woke me! What are you
doing? What is that thing?
LORELAI
It's a sod cutter. See, it cuts the
turf into little strips and then you
can just roll it up and cart it away.
Pretty cool, huh?
RORY
Do you even know what you're doing?
LORELAI
Of course I do. Charlie does this
all the time on 'Ground Force.'
It's a cinch.
RORY
Okay. No more cable television for
you. Where did you get that thing?
LORELAI
I rented it.
RORY
Are you sure this is a good idea?
LORELAI
You're gonna thank me once you've
tasted a tomato straight off the
vine.
RORY
But you're destroying the yard.
LORELAI
Well, sure, it looks that way now.
But once I've finished removing the
sod and tilling the soil and adding
the compost, I've just gotta form
the mounds, plants the seeds, and
viola! Fresh vegetables.
RORY
Sounds like an awful lot of work.
LORELAI
Well, sure. But it's all gonna be
worth it.
RORY
Why?
LORELAI
Because we'll have fresh vegetables.
Don't you want fresh vegetables?
RORY
Not really. And anyway, what's wrong
with the ones at Doose's Market?
LORELAI
These will be better.
RORY
If you say so.
LORELAI
I say so. Trust me. Wanna help?
RORY
No.
LORELAI
Suit yourself.
Lorelai puts the goggles back on and starts the sod cutter
up again.
Rory shakes her head and wanders back into the house.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Posted by Hannasus at April 14, 2005 08:10 PM